A Few Things I Hate About Modern Society

We live in a truly remarkable age. With technological advances placing any desired information immediately at our fingertips, we enjoy a world of entertainment, education and convenience scarcely imaginable in decades previous. Still, in our evolved society there are many facets that annoy and confound even the simplest of logic. No, this isn't a Top Ten List, but here in this entry are only a few of these things I hate about our modern society (as guilty as I as I might be of some of these offenses – lol).

Reality TV

The genre’s name is a complete oxymoron if ever there was one. At one time these shows created voyeuristic suspense as audiences naively watched to see if their everyday-heroes could endure a harsh island environment as a team of producers and a camera crew stood nearby, secretly assuring them they’d never face real danger. Today these shows are merely a colorful pallet of cat-fights, meltdowns and tequilla-induced three-ways painted like portraits on the canvases of The Surreal Life, Big Brother and The Bachelor. Cleverly penned dramas and whimsical sitcoms of yesteryear can no longer compete with the “unscripted spontaneity” and “outrageous honesty” of these “average people” just being “themselves.” What message do the millions of viewers who obsessively follow these programs send to the networks? That reality television need not contain reality, or even be loosely believable as long as mamas are dissed, boobs are blurred and occasionally somebody cries. What message do these shows send to the mouth-breathing couch-monkeys who loyally tune in each week? That you no longer need to be talented, articulate, nor posses the correct amount of chromosomes to be a star on television– and, perhaps most importantly, to anyone attempting to compete for the love of Bret Michaels or Flava Flav, it might be a good idea to stop by the clinic for that Hepatitis shot.

Internet Speak
Kids who couldn’t master a second language if Hanna Montana’s life depended upon it have managed not only to create, but perfect, their own variety of text speak. Nerds who mock elitist society take pleasure having their own pointlessly complex method of communicating exclusively with their own community. It’s in our e-mails, it’s in our text messages, websites and instant messages – and it’s high time we learn what a few of these specific language variations reveal about those who use them:

lol, lmao, rotfl – A person who is dying to inform you of the natural body functions they experience while writing to you. It won’t be long until “smbc” (scratching my butt cheeks), “cfl” (checking for lumps) , “pibgc” (pissing in a Big Gulp cup) or “sujap” (shamefully using Jessica Alba photos) become commonplace in written messages in an effort to better illustrate what your chat partner is encountering on their side of the keyboard.

a/s/l (Age/Sex/Location) – Likely a 35 year-old in his parent’s basement attempting to lure unsuspecting 14 year-olds into his web of romance via dial-up AOL chat. It’s probable that most segments of To Catch a Predator evolve from a simple “a/s/l” and typically conclude with a little “a/c/l” (aggressive cellmate love).

vArIeD cApItAlIzAtIoN fOr EfFeCt – While meant to be edgy, this writing style clearly communicates two things about its writer. First: They likely have no gainful employment as they can obviously devote most of their day to the time required to press “Shift” between each character in their lengthy diatribes. Second: The same as the first observation, substituting “gainful employment” with “non-inflatable significant other.”

l337 |-|@x0r §|o33|< (Elite Hacker Speak) – The overly-complicated act of substituting letters, symbols and ASCII characters to spell out words or other “insider” abbreviations shared by elitist code monkeys. What this practice reveals about a demographic is their poor comprehension of irony. If programmers, who spend hours a day passionately writing applications to quicken, simplify and eliminate menial tasks are so keen to express a 5-letter word using 20 barely-readable keystrokes, their grasp of the ironic truly $(_)><!

"owned" (meaning: to dominate another) – Those who simply aren’t content with defeating an on-line opponent, but subjecting them to masochistic-style ridicule. The counterparts of these cyber fetishists utilizing the “pwned” variation of this taunt are simply overweight leather fiends with unusually chunky ring fingers. (Such users routinely require a huskier sizes of handcuff and ball-gag as well.)

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs – A pop phenomenon of which today’s teenagers will later deny fanhood in much the same way their parents disavow knowledge of the Bee Gees.

Obsession with Fame
With every day comes new questions and fears in this life. Unfortunately these questions rarely include concerns about our cholesterol count, school violence or even who the creepy single guy is who coaches our kid’s little league team. "What is really on our minds," one might ask. Who are the dirty dozen who bedded down Paris Hilton this week? What will Brangelina name their newest third-world adoptee? Where did Lindsey Lohan pass out last night? What post-Labor Day fashion faux pas did horse-toothed Julia Roberts commit on the red carpet? This is the information we need most and praise be to the brave warriors at TMZ, The E! Network, People Magazine, et al, who work tirelessly to aid our survival. If a four-month country music marriage is “inexplicably” on the rocks it must mean ours isn’t so bad. If Robert Downey Jr. is out of rehab again, it probably isn’t such a big deal to finish that second bottle of wine. Tom Cruise’s jumping on that couch sure makes those love letters to our hot cousin seem tame, in retrospect. Everything they do, say or think about is published and if it wasn’t for the off-screen life of celebrities, how would we ever feel good about ourselves? Sure we’re a nation hopelessly obsessed with the lives of the rich and famous, but honestly, who would rather learn about hurricanes, war and political upheaval when a Thanksgiving-like bowel movement has occurred in Britney Spears’ trailer and Access Hollywood has the exclusive? The question is practically rhetorical.

Individual Expression
Today nearly everyone capable of chewing with their own teeth has seen or posted on MySpace, Facebook and Youtube. These outlets of expression have literally changed the way we look at ourselves and our world. Millions of people create their own webpage and videos, exhibiting their creative individualism by including songs, movie clips and poems written and performed by other people which, conveniently enough, just happen to best sum up their inner-most feelings. These mediums allow us to show the world who we really are as we post the same sets of pictures, brag about the same hobbies, and copy the same original idea someone posted a year ago – only we’re pretty sure our version is much cooler. We are a society in which individuals crave attention and demand it by being like everyone else. It’s what makes us feel like we belong, it’s what makes us feel like we are normal and it’s what makes us somehow feel like we are better than all the other “losers” identifying with the exact songs and posting those same video clips. It’s not really MySpace, it’s more like SameSpace – and if you’ve seen one of Tom’s friends, you’ve seen ‘em all.

Celebrity Politics
Where would we be without the guiding hands of the well-meaning famous? It’s not enough that we get to watch their shows, pay too much for their paint-by-number movies and find ways to steal their songs on the Internet. But every time we turn around they’re raising their pitch-perfect voices, telling us we need to vote for Obama, turn in our guns or passionately support Hollywood’s latest fashionable-environmental-cause-of-the-week. Why even Bono, the greatest pontificator of them all, is occasionally kind enough to swing by the Vatican to tell the Pope how to do his job. Never mind that these people who cast stones at public servants and the morals our parents taught us have to find campaign time for their causes between heroin relapses, community service and costly divorce court sessions. They are famous! Would you want advice from someone boring or unattractive enough to aptly manage his or her own life? It’s a frightening thought, but sadly some do. Forget that only years ago Jon Stewart was on basic cable berating those he now panders to on extended basic cable, or that the reliable Keith Olbermann was a jock-sniffer convincing us that the WNBA was a juggernaut waiting to emerge. This time around, they know what they are saying – listen to them. If anyone can shed light upon who we should be embarrassed of as a nation, it’s Dixie Chick, Natalie Maines. After all, she wrote Earl Has To Die. She certainly would know. For your own good, listen to these people. George Clooney’s parents were in movies and he is handsome enough to be in a few as well. He even played a doctor on TV. A good doctor! Give him your ears. It’s time we put faith in something our society, and why not those who look good on camera and always know the right thing to say before a commercial? If Tim Robbins is wrong, we don’t need to be right.

Racial Sensitivity
Our parents grew up watching rallies, marches and impassioned speeches. Our grandparents witnessed segregation, riots and Jackie Robinson fear for his life. Today, we have BET, FUBU and a legitimate chance of a black man becoming President of the United States. Needless to say, times have changed for the better, and with it what we will tolerate. However, equality comes with a price, and that price today is free and logical speech. Forget outright bigotry, these days anyone ignorant enough not to attach the suffix “-American” to an ethnic minority group is as prejudiced as a Klansman in February (Black History Month, for those hate mongers who haven’t already jotted it in their Palm Pilots). Anyone intolerant enough to point out that Affirmative Action defeats its own objective of hiring on merit by requiring applicants to declare their race, is as insensitive as a person who’d dare say “Merry Christmas” to a stranger – after all, just because they’re your neighbor, doesn’t mean they wouldn’t rather celebrate Kwanza, Ramadan or Festivus, you Nazi. Oh, and then there’s the “R-word.” (Not be confused with the “N-word” – acceptable if spewed freely by black comedians and rap artists, but grounds for public execution if uttered by a pale-skin other than Eminem.) The R-word (“racist,” not “reparations”) is the greatest buzzword of them all, and is paraded about anytime a non-white pro-athlete is accused of choking his coach in practice, bludgeoning a cop before being tasered or murdering his ex-wife and fiancée before fleeing at 35 m.p.h. to the airport. If you don’t believe those bringing these charges are racist, just ask Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton, whose full-time jobs it is to bestow that label – that is, for everyone with less pigment than Chris Rock or Carlos Menica. Even a honky simply acknowledging another’s differing ethnic background isn’t spared in these enlightened times. Just ask shock-jock Don Imus how free speech seemingly excludes discussing a suspect’s race. It’s more palatable to the masses when he sticks to the Hillary Clinton genital jokes – that’s just plain better for the kids. Ultimately, part of attaining true equality seems to mean developing a thicker skin (no matter the color) and realizing its how a person treats others that reveals true character – and not whether they choose a Klondike Bar over the appallingly derogatory “Eskimo” Pie as a means of eradicating all hatred in the world. (***Warning: The above segment contains elements directly addressing race. It is not recommended for readers without a sense of humor and a deflated definition of comedy nor readers who consider Tyra Banks a formidable voice in today’s civil landscape.***)